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Tag Archives: feelings

Dear Badi Mummy : A letter to my Granny

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by monikamanchanda in Letters and more, personal

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

feelings, grandparents, letters, parenting, personal

Dear Badi Mummy,

It is almost been 14 years since you left us and I realised I have never written to you in these years though I don’t think there has been a week which has passed in which I haven’t had a conversation with you.

Last week I was in Delhi, enjoying the Delhi winter, eating the food that I would eat sitting next to you every December, food cooked by you. Gajar ka halwa, the pinnis. I was remembering the sunny afternoons where we would all sit in the verandah of your house and eat moongfalis (peanuts) and how I would blackmail you with the look in my eyes and you would give me the peeled ones. How every evening, you would give us money and we would walk to the nearby shop freezing and rubbing our hands to get samosa and jalebi to eat. I remembered how I would cuddle with you to get warm.  When I saw O grating the carrots with mom to make gajar ka halwa, I felt a strange stab in my heart. I wanted it to be me again sitting with you and making gajar ka halwa. I smiled when I looked at them happily bonding but somewhere the heart gave a cry of longing for you.

I remembered the days gone by, on how I would come from school and rush to hug you. On how I would tell you every small thing that happened in school. On how I shared about my first crush with you and you looked at me with wide eyes and said “moyi marjaani, dhyaan rakhin” and then the warm smile spread at your face and you gave me the best hug in the world. On how, when I hid that I have flunked in one subject in school from mom-dad, I came and told that to you and how you slowly and gently made me confess that to mom. On how it was you I told about my first boyfriend ever, it was you I shared my fear of mensuration, on how it was you whom I came and told my nightmares and my dreams. Both the ones I saw in the day and night. For me while growing up you were my friend, you were my mom and you were the force in my life, my strength and that one person who would drive me. Who I would look upto, who I would search for in happiness and in sadness, in clarity and in confusion.

And then that day 13.5 years ago, on a Diwali night when I got a call that you are sick, I remember every turn of the foggy Delhi roads, every thought that came to my mind that evening and I remember reaching there to be told that you are no more among us and I remember feeling nothing. And then ofcourse the tears came and they went. Life moved on, we all moved on but somewhere you left a huge void in my life that no one has been able to fill.

So much has happened in this past 14 years, so much that I would have loved you to be a part of. I married a person who understands me, supports me and loves me. Ofcourse we fight, like you used to say if two people living together don’t argue, they are drifting apart. But we also have a bond that I saw you and daddyji sharing. A bond of love and trust, a bond of togetherness.

I am now not a software engineer, who just sits in front of computer doing god knows what (though to be honest, I still sit a lot in front of my laptop). I now work in the food industry. It’s a love I have picked up from you and taken to next level.

But more important than anything else, I am now a mother of a 7 year old boy who I would have loved you to meet. In whom, sometimes I see your spunk, your zest for life, your stubbornness and my eyes wet because there is nothing more I would want than to see you and him bond. The joy of my life and the most important person in my life. I would give anything to see you hug him, to see you bless him.

Early this week, I went to meet daddyji who at the age of 93 is so different from the grand-dad image I have from my childhood, he is ageing, he is frail and he remembers you. He often says “Tu te chali gayee, mainu chod gayee” and I see that sadness in his eyes. My heart broke to see him like that, asking the same question nth time and forgetting he has asked it before. I remembered the man who would bring us all fruits, always the sweetest ones, and cut post dinner. A man whom everyone was slightly scared of, a man who commanded respect and love in every action. Old age is evil, old age is harsh and I could see it in him. If you ask me, I saw that in him the day you passed away. He has never been the same after that but this time it hit me that daddyji who 10 years ago shocked everyone by dancing on my mehendi is now an old man.

But you know what badi mummy, you know what I felt the most when I met him. That where are you? Why aren’t you around? I feel terribly selfish thinking about it but I wanted you to be there, I don’t have the heart to see daddyji anymore without you. I miss you today and everyday.

Yours Khasma-nu-khani,

Mona

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Happy Birthday Ma

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by monikamanchanda in Just Me

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

emotions, feelings, just me, mother, mum, wishes

From a few days old me who needed you so badly, who had only you to rely on in this world

From a few months old me who had started discovering things around but still needed you and your touch

From an year old me who had just discovered walking but wanted to run and whom you had guided so tenderly

From a four and half year old me who loved you to bits because you got me a sister but hated you when you took care of her

From a 12 year old me who was frightened like hell seeing blood on my underwear, whom you calmed down with so much love

From a 15 year old me who hated you when you tried to get me home early, when you tried to tell me no its not safe

From a 16 year old me who will be forever indebted to you for making her the fearless girl she is

From a 18 year old me for loves you for understanding me when I told you about my first boyfriend 😉

From a 20 year old me who was proud of her mom who said she will be ok with anyone I bring home for marriage as long as I am aware of who really the person is

From a 25 year old me who rebelled that she will not marry early whatever happens even if that meant running away from home to a different city

From a 31 year old me who was a new mom herself a bundle of nerves but who still thought its better to refer to books and blogs than to listen to u

From me now (and u thought I will tell u the age huhn? :P) who understands atleast partly what a trouble those 35 odd years would have been dealing with me, who know struggles dealing with her 5 year old and remembers you 10 times a day 🙂

Happy Birthday Ma

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When there is no reason

16 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by monikamanchanda in personal

≈ 47 Comments

Tags

emotions, feelings, personal

Have you experienced the helplessness when you start cutting an onion and the tears flowing have absolutely no relation to the bitterness of the onion

When you just can’t understand why are the tears flowing anyway, no logic or reason can justify them

When you cry even harder when someone comes and asks you what happened everything all right

When  it feels that you might just melt away in a bucket of tears when held and given a hug

Today is just one of these days for me 😦

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Eating Eating Eating

20 Monday Apr 2009

Posted by monikamanchanda in Uncategorized

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

feelings, weight

someone please help me i have been eating nonstop today
i think its the depression/tension aka comfort eating

any tips to control? its doing only harm to my project WR….

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Its a friday :)

20 Friday Jun 2008

Posted by monikamanchanda in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

feelings

Its so long after which I am feeling this excitement, I am actually looking forward to having Monday blues too 🙂 Totally thrilled to be back to the excitement of Fridays and sadness of Monday blues 🙂

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Why me?

11 Friday Apr 2008

Posted by monikamanchanda in personal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

feelings, personal

Sometimes I feel that the whole world including God is against me… the position that I had mentioned in the last post went on freeze just before the offer was going to rolled out… so the search begins again, why does it always has to be me? Why couldnt the hiring freeze happen two days later

And then there is this hand of mine, I had this pain in the wrist during my pregnancy which doctor said that its basically Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
and lot of people get it and it will disappear post delivery but it so happens that for some 5% of the people it still persists and ya U guessed it right I am in that 5%. I have a terrible wrist pain these days so much so that using my right hand is becoming almost impossible, I typed this post using the left hand and it took 10 long minutes 😦

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Monday, Tuesday…. the whole week blues

26 Wednesday Mar 2008

Posted by monikamanchanda in personal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

feelings, personal

My orkut fortune today says “Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you”. It seems such a illusion looking at my current state of mind, from the past some time I have just been in depressed, irritated and itchy. I agree there is a happiness around me Ojas is there Naren is there but then why why I am feeling so low and itchy all the time.

One of the reasons that I can think of is that I am at home since ages, I am desperate to get back to work and have been trying hard to find a job since quite sometime now (3 weeks to be precise) but nothing has worked out till now and thats making me more depressed I am just not worth a job…

And then as I am at home 24×7 there is that saas bahu clashes, which both of us have been ignoring but somewhere they tend to irritate u in back of ur mind…

and then there are changing dynamics of my relationship with Naren, a new baby and the house is suddenly full of people my sister whos moved in to Bangalore and staying with us, his mom, his grandmom and a full time maid, we just dont seem to get anytime with each other.

I am just hoping that large part of my depression is just getting back to feeling monday blues and I will get better once I get back to work and ya hoping that I do get a job soon…..

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First Blow from the harsh world

04 Tuesday Mar 2008

Posted by monikamanchanda in personal

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

feelings, personal

Yesterday myself, Naren and Ojas(my 2.5months old son for those who had not read the previous posts) went shopping to Baby Shop for some of Ojas’s essentials like diapers etc. Ojas got a little hungry and Naren sat on a sofa and was feeding him from the bottle when one curious looking 2-year old boy came and stood over watching Ojas, naren smiled at him thinking he is one of thse who get fascinated by little kids and then suddenly out of the blue he slapped my little one on his cheeks and so hard the bottle came out of his mouth. What had my poor little child done to him to get a thrashing but then I guess this is a harsh world but for heavens sake my son is just 2.5months old…. In an instant reaction Naren pushed that guy back and a little hard may be he shouldnt have done it or may be he should have…. but if u think from the perspective of a new father I guess his rection was totally justified. He is still feeling guilty that he couldnt protect his son…. and both of us have become paranoids now, whenever we see any small kid around him we get extra alert and dont let the kid anywhere near him. I guess it will take some time for us to recover from the shock. Ojas on the other hand has recovered faster, for one day he refused to take the bottle at all I guess it reminded him of the blow but he is fine now… we still have to recover 🙂

But I am still wondering what made that kid hit such a small tiny infant? Was it jealousy or was it something else….

Apart from this things are moving really fast, taking care of Ojas is a full time activity and now that he has started responding by smiles and coos its really fun playing with him. 🙂 I have also started getting back to blogworld, would get back to my favorite blogs one by one now…. and also started my job search back lets see what happens… wish me luck….

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07 Saturday Jul 2007

Posted by monikamanchanda in Uncategorized

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

feelings

Sudden spulter in the stomach and then the same feeling after some hours… and then the same the next day… Are these the first kicks 🙂 I so curious to know. I tried searching the net some sites say its early to feel the kicks, some say its time (I in 16th week) but none of the sites mentions what to expect in the first kick.

Fellow mamma bloggers any inputs 🙂

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Good news and house arrest

10 Sunday Jun 2007

Posted by monikamanchanda in personal

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

feelings, personal

I have a great news and it ought to be shared with my fellow bloggers…. Just like a tic tac toe life is suddenly falling into place and going haywire at the same time. I am starting the most beautiful journey – the journey of Motherhood… Yes I am expecting. Going to get our bundle of joy in Mid Dec sometime. I am in my 12th week now and had controlled all my urges to spill the beans on blogger before because of the silent period etc…

All seems fine I got my scan done on Wednesday and heard the heart beat of my baby. I saw it jumping inside me and I cant explain how it felt. I had tears rolling down my cheeks… Tears of happiness… Its a great feeling…

Though there is a slight complication as I had a little bleeding on Tuesday and there comes the house arrest, I have been advised by the doctor to take one month’s bed rest… Hope all goes well… Please wish me luck….

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Me, Myself and me

bundle of contradictions, a working independent woman, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a traveler and ya a blogger :)

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