[CSAAM] How did I teach my child

Tags

child sexual abuse, CSAAM, parenting

Since We started the CSA program, there have been many brilliant tips pouring in for parents on how to teach their kids about Good Touch Bad Touch, experts have taken chatson the topic. But one question that still comes back everytime is

When do we start teaching our children about the Good Touch Bad Touch, how soon is too soon? OR I would say How late can be too late sometimes

My personal answer to the above is ASAP, as soon as the child starts to understand what you are telling him/her. I started talking to Ojas about it when he was 1.5 years, yes you heard that right and we have seen how he reacted recently, false alarm I agree but better than no alarm if God Forbid something happens. When can you start speaking to your child ofcourse will vary from child to child and also on how one approaches the subject. There is a very fine line between scaring the child and getting the message across and starry talks about it beautifully in her post

Through the month we have read many stories and now heard it all and I don’t think by now anyone would doubt the fact that talking to your kids, educating them and giving them confidence is the biggest way to deal with this. Prevention is truly the only cure in this case. So when I say I started to talk to him about this when he was 1.5 years old let me tell you what exactly did we follow.

1. The first time I spoke to him about good touch bad touch, it wasn’t really talking about good touch bad touch. It was talking about private parts of your body. Since he was about an year old we have been taking bath together, both me and him in his under garments. So one day while taking bath I started by telling him gently that the parts we have covered now while taking bath are our private parts and no one should see or touch them unless they want to clean. Make it light and age appropriate and tell them while doing an activity as a matter of fact, keep repeating it everytime you do the activity 

2. There is no shame in your private parts they are just private. I know this one is a little tricky but one needs to tell them there is no need to be ashamed of their private parts but there is no need to flash them around. Explain to them the reason of keeping the private parts covered and why we just can’t run around naked. Explain to them in terms of cleanliness and also in terms of the fact that it belongs to them. Give them an example again, have u ever seen mumma dada naked running around so similarly you shouldn’t either, according to me letting them run around naked just confuses them when you try to explain them the concept of private parts but don’t say “che che hoooo” 

3. ArtNavy in her post says “Let kids get a lot of touch at home from their parents. Daily. Especially from the parent of the opposite sex. Even mock wrestling, cuddling, whatever. Only then will you empower them and they can instinctively tell when it is good or bad touch.” I couldn’t agree with it more. The best way according to me for teaching your child Good touch bad touch is to make your child aware of a lot of good touches only than the child will be able to understand what a bad touch is. I from the starting made sure to play a lot with Ojas tons of hugs and tons of kisses

4. Name the people who are allowed to touch the parts for cleaning purpose specially if you are not going to be around all the time. When he was about 2 we started telling him who all can touch his susu place for cleaning and even in that case we told him if he doesn’t feel good about the cleaning he can tell the person, please don’t clean like that. Its very important according to me to make them aware of their feelings and we all know and we have read in the stories that most of the times kids do the gut feeling that what happened was wrong. Don’t make it a big deal and scare him just tell him as a matter of fact that like he doesn’t like food he tells, if he doesnt like the touch he should tell. 

5. Respect his need for privacy and stand up for him when needed. Since he has been 2.5 years we likes to do his complete pee routine by himself and likes to close the door like we do and we let him do that just telling him he should not shut it fully because he is small and might not be to able to open it. There was this one incident where we were visiting someone and he did the same thing, the old aunties started laughing on why does he want to close the door, I could see his expression changing and just jokingly told them back like you close the door he does too. I am sure I was labeled as snob post that but I could see his confidence raising. Never let the kids down when they do what you have taught them. 

The above things have more or less worked for me but the key acording to me for teaching kids anything is repetition repetition and more repetition 🙂 Keep re-enforcing the rules, the confidence, the love and hope that they will stand up against what we couldn’t and God forbid if time comes we stand up against what our parents couldn’t

Highway and Rains

Tags

highway travels, rain, storm

Are usually a good combination for me, I love the raindrops falling on the top of car playing a symphony… the wipers going swish swish… the nip in the air… water droplets falling and the car zooming again… sigh so romantic so poetic isn’t it? Till yesterday

It started in the same poetic manner the three of us enjoying the rains and the drive back from Chennai (more on the trip soon I promise this time I will :P)… singing lovely rain songs and munching on some snacks and then it slowly starting increasing, the clouds started looking a little more dangerous the sky alternating between bright with lighting and deafening with thunder. And slowly the sky turned into a dangerous shade of grey and the rain became very very heavy at one point of time it really felt like that the rain is falling vertical as well as horizontal… it was really so mystical and yet so dangerous. I have never seen rain like that before. I had goosebumps while we were driving and I still have them while I am writing this post. I wish I had pictures to show you guys what I mean but unfortunately the phone camera couldn’t click anything it being so dark and the actual camera was battery dead

As the rain increased, our speed decreased and there was a time when the visibility was about 30-40 meters and we couldn’t beyond a speed of about 30kmph…. and a huge sigh of relief was passed by both me and N when the rain calmed down after about an hour of madness

For the first time in my life I think I experienced the dangerous side of rains too… but still while being dangerous there was something alluring about and this Chennai-Bangalore drive will certainly go down among the most memorable drives of my life.

Lots of Silence and a emptiness

Tags

Ojas, parenting, personal

Yes thats how the last three days have been in our household reason my little prince my darling little boy has gone to his bua’s house for a sleep over with his cousins. Since his vacations have started he has been giving me statements like “its so boring no”, “mumma I am getting bored please do something about it” so when his cousins called him over we thought why not, lets try it. This is his first sleep over ever and we very apprehensive that whether he will really stay overnight or not? Will he sleep without me may be heart in heart even hoping that he wont 😉 and at the same time actually looking forward to the couple time we would get after 3 years… how would it be we had almost forgotten… true we have do movies and drives and dinners without him but two days without him thats a first…

So we dropped him and waved him bye and came back home to an empty house and started to enjoy the freedom… watched a movie, browsed the net, fiddled around with my new kindle u get the idea did lots while doing nothing

The fact that we can watch TV and no one will switch it off, the fact that we can actually read without someone jumping on me and when I read I can actually read the book I want to not the one that he wants… no one starts to dance when me and N talk so that he doesn’t get ignored… liberating huhn? Think again for a while yes but after that both of us are missing him indeed

Its a very mixed feeling as all other parenting milestones are, a feeling or proud, relief and zap of loneliness and a tiny bit heart break all rolled into one 🙂 So we are enjoying the silence and the emptiness in the house while he enjoys there and refuses to come back…

How is life been with u? long time right?

Hush by Manta Ray

Tags

book, book review, CSA, hush

I first heard of Hush it was after we started organising and talking about CSA. A friend mentioned that HUSH is a very hard-hitting book on CSA. I looked up the net and found out that it was a graphic novel. I haven’t read too many graphic novels before (infact I think this is the first one). I went to their website and it seemed pretty interesting. So we contacted them and asked them if they will send us a review copy. They were prompt and I personally met Pratheek who handed over Hush to me.

I had met him at about 9pm to take the book and I finished reading it the first time but 10:30pm. The first time when I read the book what hit me was the force in the book the sheer directness. No beating around the bush. The book is thin the graphic story gets covered in about 24 pages but by no means it leaves us wanting for more.

The book is about Maya a girl who is sexually abused by her own father and how she turns to violence and suicide when she has nothing else to do.

Hush is a story without any words and yet it captures things which many many words wouldn’t have been able to. It almost stands up to its name and also the taboo idea that the book is trying to portray

However because its wordless I rushed through the book the first time I read it. I don’t know whether it was just me or the book wants you to rush so I read it again the next morning absorbing even more than I did in the first read. The shades of pages do speak a lot.

The book makes me sad yet gives me hope that may be we are ready to talk about CSA finally.

According to me its a must read

Rating 4/5

Here is the book trailer

We also did a small interview with the writer and illustrator of the book. Read below to what they had to say about HUSH

Q& A with Pratheek Thomas (the writer and partner at Manta Ray) and Rajiv Eipe (the illustrator) behind the graphic novel Hush, from Manta Ray Publishing which deals with the topic of CSA.

How the concept of Hush come to you?

Hush is a story my brother Vivek told me in early 2009. He wanted to make it into a short film, and I told him that I’d like to adapt into a comic book, which he could use as a pitch to producers when he looked for funding. I approached Rajiv Eipe who studied with me at NID (National Institute of Design, Ahmedabad) to collaborate on this comic and he readily agreed. As I began to write the script, it changed in certain degrees from the story that Vivek told me…

What was your primary aim in taking on such a dark and taboo subject in India?

The origins of Hush & Manta Ray are intertwined, in fact, Hush led to Manta Ray’s inception as a publishing house. The way we saw it,Hush was a real story, though it takes its own fictional liberties. It’s a story that no one talks about, and we wanted to break that silence… and then, to break that silence with a silent story… it was a perfect book for us to debut with. With Hush, we were also trying to show that comics can tell different stories and not the usual mythology, superhero, personal history kind of stories that one usually finds in Indian comics.

How has the book been received? How are children reacting to it? Parents?

The response to the book has been overwhelming positive! Almost all the major newspapers in India have covered the book, The Hindu, Mint’s Cult Fiction, Hindustan Times, Indian Express, Mid Day, Open Magazine… Hush has been featured in all these and more. Even in terms of sales, the response to the book has been very positive. For Manta Ray, Hush was an experiment, and it paid off.

Hush is meant for a ‘mature readership’, which would technically mean an 18+ audience, though it’s something a 16 or 17 year-old may also happen to pick up. But, it’s definitely not for children. We also don’t know how many of our readers are ‘parents’. But overall, we have had a hugely positive response and feedback from our readers. Many readers said they read Hush 5-6 times to grasp the story in full and each time they noticed something new.Faculty of a certain prestigious college also has indicated an interest to include Hush as part of their visual narrative coursework. But one of the biggest recognitions for Hush is the fact that people working on the field, like subscribers of this blog have noticed Hush. We want as many people to read Hush and it’s great to see it go beyond a normal comic book and being used as a tool to spread awareness.

 

 

What, according to you, is the biggest stumbling block that Child Sexual Abuse Awareness faces in India?

The biggest obstacle is the silence that surrounds CSA. There is a huge culture of silence, of taboo around CSA – that a child who has been abused has no one to go to – not her parents or relatives, not her teacher… there is almost no adult in whom a child can confide. Our society would rather pretend that CSA does not exist.

The other obstacle is the shortcoming of our own legal system. I was horrified to read recently (in an article on the Open magazine website) that India’s legal system does not recognize a crime called child sexual abuse! We’ve clubbed it under some archaic law from our British-rule era, and no one’s made an attempt to change it.

Are you planning any more books on CSA?

Manta Ray is not exactly an issue-based storytelling company. We are an entertainment company. But we want to tell realistic stories, stories of real people living real lives speaking in real voices. While we do not have any upcoming stories about CSA specifically, if there is a compelling reason to tell a story from a CSA perspective, I’m sure we will.

U can buy HUSH at flipkart

Cross Posted here

 

So did u jump, scream and dance?

Tags

cricket, emotions, india, world cup

The title of the post should have told you what this post is about isn’t it? Yes yes I know I am delayed but I am talking about the world cup… God WE WON… so now tell…

did u jump?

did u scream?

did u dance?

did u cry?

I did all of them and much more… Seriously what a moment. We were watching the match in a friends house about 15 of us jumping like mad people and the kids looking at us and wondering what exactly has come over their parents… we were screaming like never before… the day and the evening was full of emotions… excitement happiness when dhoni and gambhir very playing so well… despair and disappointment when sachin and sehwag were out.

I had just said that we just finish this match in style with a six when  dhoni hit that beautiful six to finish it off, give us a moment we will cherish all our lifes.. many hugs were exchanged, much clapping happened when we sat down rather stood and watched the presentation. I think most of us were chocked with emotions to do much talking and with one more round of hugs with a contentment in heart we departed for our houses not really aware of what is ahead us.

The streets were full of happy, joyous people. People dancing on the roads, every car, every bike having an Indian flag and a person screaming with joy. I don’t think I have ever before this seen India celebrate like this, I don’t think I have ever seen before this India united like this.

It was truly a day which will remain in my memory forever and just as dad tells me stories of the 83 win I will of the 2011 win

Well done men in blue… well done indeed

PS: I have been terribly terribly busy with CSA and hence not visiting any of u guys and also ignoring all my blogs, will be back with a bang in May and I am sure you will understand

CSAAM–U need not worry

Tags

boys, child sexual abuse, csa awareness month, CSAAM, girl child, parenting

U need not worry is a sentence I get to hear from people a lot, U need not worry for many things ask why? Why because I have a son for a child and not a daughter. When I have a son why should I worry, now the worries could be a whole lot of things, but today I am here to talk to you about worries about Child Sexual Abuse.

Its a common misconception (along with many other gender myths) that boys are not vulnerable to Child Sexual Abuse. According to National Study on Child Sexual Abuse (its a downloadable pdf) boys and girls are vulnerable to Child Sexual Abuse. It also goes on to say that boys find it more difficult to disclose about abuse than girls and we still go ahead and hardly pay any attention to the boys when we are talking about CSA. Why? In sheer numbers it states

An estimated 150 million girls and 73 million boys under 18 have experienced forced sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual violence involving physical contact. (across the globe, its quotes a UN study for that)

73 million and we still say you don’t have to worry because you have a son. Infact among the sample that they interviewed the result is

Among respondents, 48% of boys and 39% of the girls faced sexual abuse

U wanna still say I don’t have to worry? I think its a inherit part of our culture which makes us believe that boys are above all this. We as a society don’t want to handle the CSA issue because for us the issue is not about invading the child’s privacy, is not about the hurt that the child goes through. Its about the SHAME that the incident will bring to the family and traditionally its only a girl who can bring shame to the family.

Also I think the term vulnerable and boys really don’t go hand in hand at all, boys are always portrayed and taught to be the macho ones, ones who can handle anything infact I will go far to say ones that will inflict pain rather be a victim to it, thats the role we have difficulty accepting our sons in but victims naah,I never believed in it but since I have had a son and one who is a gentle soul I know how untrue this thinking is. Girls or boys, both can be aggressive, both can be soft… Both can be victims.

Tulir shared  this link on the CSA FB wall sometime back. The site contains some excellent posters which talk of the specific challenges men can face in relation to speaking about sexual abuse

One of the them says

If I tell you I was sexually abused, will you..

…judge me?

…believe me?

…see me as less of a man?

…question my sexuality?

…think I will abuse?

…listen?

There is another one which says

If a man is meant to

…always appear strong

…control his emotions

….be self reliant

… not be a victim

How can he tell you

…he is struggling

…he is scared of losing control

…he feels alone

…he was sexually abused

There is a comment by arun in madmomma’s post which asks

Why is that this comment section so dominated by females? I always thought that it is easy to get boys then girls.. coz of typical indian mentality

I think the above is what directly answers that and that is also something I strongly believe in, this is what I had replied to him

boys (now men) are even more ashamed to accept that they have been abused. We always teach boys to be macho, to be strong… nothing can hurt them yet someone came and abused them? now how can they share this with the world.

According to me its high time we start accepting the fact that boys can we abused too, boys can be tarnished too and stop being so careless with them. I  have a 3 yr old son and I get a lot of slack from people that I am raising him to be too shielded, that I am a paranoid mother, that I guard him too much. Me I have just one thing to say better be paranoid than sorry.

Guard your daughter but please don’t forget to guard your son too, at a young age they are both clueless both need the love and the protection

PS: My post on how I deal with my paranoia and teach my son about private parts coming up soon, but read this informative post by Sue on how to protect your boys