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So this post started as a comment to Prats post on Parenting and Alcohol which was actually triggered by Shilpa’s post on it. Now I had read Shilpa’s post too and wanted to say some of these things than too but I don’t know why I didn’t. But today when I read Prats post I knew this had to be written
So I suggest if you haven’t read those two posts till now please read them and come back here
The examples Prats gave in the post I don’t approve of all of them and actually I am aghast at case where a spoonful of vodka was given to the toddler one I have never ever heard of that and everyone in my circle drinks. You don’t need a super brilliant guy or be a parenting guru to understand what was done there was bad and wrong.
But lets look at the some other examples he has given
“A party and a large gathering the entire family is invited, everyone is drinking starting from beer, scotch, to tequila including the non adults in the party.”
When do we become an adult? 18? I think you are actually allowed to buy yourself a drink only post 21. Really? I had my first beer when I was 15. In those times I had it behind my parents back, had a huge hangover and was at a friends place puking my guts out looking back would I have preferred to have my first drink at home in the company and supervision of my parents. You bet a big YES. Than why would I prevent my son to do it?
This time I went to Delhi at a wedding all of cousins had drinks even the younger ones who were around 15 had a peg each with us and I think it was much better than going to a dark corner or on the street and having a drink ready to fall prey to anyone who wants to take advantage of it.
I am a mom and when I think of this problem as a mom I would rather be open and frank with Ojas and have him understand things. Make him aware that drinking is not bad if done in limits becoming addicted to it is rather than him going out and trying the stuff on his own. I would rather have him trip and learn to handle himself along with me rather than puking somewhere on the road. Infact me and N have discussed that when he turns 15 we will take him to a pub and offer him a drink if he wants to have one. And mind it my decision would have been the same if I had a daughter instead.
I totally agree with Ritu, this is what she had to say in the comments
My simple rule is that these are things that they will experiment with. I do not want them to make asses of themselves in public or drink/smoke out of sheer rebellion
U know the problem with drinking is… the movies and the religion have made it a very very harmful thing whereas its NOT, its really not… I am not saying its good for health to be prescribed to everyone what I mean is having a drink a week or off and in the weekend does actually no harm to the body and even if does I will say eating a samosa or a brownie day also does harm the body do we preach against it so much? Do we? Its about it being a taboo and because me make it a forbidden taboo so elusive to kids teenagers (lets address teenagers as teenagers rather than kids shall we? Cause they are not kids) that all they want to do is try it.
This is really one of those things I hate about Indian culture the hypocrisy which goes behind drinking and frankly I admit I have been a part of it too. It has taken me a long time to stand up and say yes I do enjoy a drink any problems. In our society drink is something that men have behind curtains in a separate room. And when the boys of the family grow up they grow to another separate room to have theirs. Why, when everyone knows everyone is drinking?
I have seen friends whose houses go through a booz cleaning drive before the parents are supposed to arrive.Why? If u think its ok just do it in front of them and if you think its not than please give up. Think of those parents do you think they really don’t know?
And don’t you think the reason for the above behaviour is exactly what the parents did in their teenage. Forbid them from drinking.
For me if the choice is between my kid sitting with me at 15 and having a drink and going out and having and not knowing how to handle himself I would certainly chose the former.
Monika's World 
I agree.. I would rather educate than scare my kids off…
And they are going to experiment with alcohol and smoking.. it’s better they do it with full knowledge…
yeah thats how I think so too
I agree with you Monika. We Indians love to ‘pretend’ our problems (and some non-problems) away. It’s much better to know what is going on in one’s kids’ lives, today a lot of parents cut themselves off their children’s lives by not realising that they really cannot ‘control’ their teenagers. Parents can guide and set good examples, communicate and communicate some more (not to be confused with nagging) – and after then they must trust their child’s intelligence and their own upbringing.
absolutely agree u when u its much better to know whats going on in their lives
“In our society drink is something that men have behind curtains in a separate room.”
Having been in the army circle, I detest this. I have not sit in separate rooms for drinking purpose. All sit together and talk. But back in my home state I witness a lot of this ‘separate room’ thing. WTH! I simply hate it.
On a lighter note, when my senior son was three, he wanted ‘what the Uncles are drinking,’ as he called it. I knew if I said no, he would pester me for the rest of the evening and in all the days to come. I tried telling him he wouldn’t like it. He predictably did not believe me as he thought it was something special. So I calmly gave him a spoonful. He spit it out and did not ask me for it again. 😛
Of course now he is grown up and now it is up to him 🙂
LOL I am still laughing at that one 🙂
LOL! 🙂 Fantastic!
Shail, I need to learn that calmness….really…. 🙂
One question
why 15 years?
Why not 14 years and 364 Days? If this is okay
Why not 14 years and 363 Days? If this is okay
……. Then why not now?
come on u really thinking that question is valid? its like stretching a rubber band and seeing how far it goes
so when was the first time ur mom gave u a samosa 1yr old 2 yr old? why not on 1st day why not in 1st month?
because ur mom thought it was not nice
besides trying to argue on 1 day 2 day we are going totally away from the point arent we?
Exactly my point there is a legal limit set up by the constitution why not follow it?
prats we did talk abt it right? come on dont tell me u have never ever done anything illegal…
and why not follow because I am not sure of it
prats the legal age is not 18 its 21 so u suggest we wait till 21 or 18 is still allright?
I am just trying to understand
well,theres only one question id like to ask u monika..do u get addicted to samosa?do u get cancer wen u consume more brownie days or wat ever out of a limit?..ud get the answer..n btw u may be all well meaning abt being open th ur child..letting him test things in ur presence n all..one peg or one cigar is ok u say..but once children(oh ya teenagers) get addicted thrs no stopping them..ive seen many such who start for fun n then spoiled their healths..y start sumthing that can be avoided..n ya it doesnt make any diff if u HATE sumthing abt Indian culture..its was here centuries before u n tht is hw it wd be..
u dont get cancer but u can get many other diseases and the whole point of the post was that I will drink with them to teach them their limits etc so that they know whats right whats wrong and when to stop and if u handle it well u dont get addicted… as I mentioned in the post I had my first drink when I was 15 and I am almost 35 now so its 20 years I have been handling the drinks and I haven’t got addicted right?
and yes if I hate something in Indian culture I would make an attempt to change it…the change always starts from self…. if we didn’t do u my dear sunita would never be able to comment here because u would still be a uneducated female whose task would be to make food and yeah be burned as sati with ur husband
Me and hubby dear regularly do have brainstorming sessions on this kinda topics every now and then…I think its really the time to stand up and take ur kids in confidence and let them pursue their likings !
I agree with u we need to develop confidence in our kids and treat them as individuals
Yes, I completely agree with you. And to Prats’ question, why x age and why not y age … well that is for the parents to decide. Prats, when you have a kid, you can decide when you deem the kid mature enough to handle such stuff under your supervision. Yes the stuff is intoxicating, and I took a call on it, knowing my children as well as a mother would. And yes, they knew what it tasted like, and how much made them drunk. It just took the rebellion out of them, and they did not experiment with cheap/harmful liquor and puke or misbehave with their group of friends or drink and drive on the highway.
“It just took the rebellion out of them, and they did not experiment with cheap/harmful liquor and puke or misbehave with their group of friends or drink and drive on the highway.”
so well said and taking the rebellion out of a child I think its one of the best things we can do to them
Totally agree with you. Truly well said Monika. In fact, I too enjoy a drink or two in front of my kids (13 and 9) and at the same time have made them understand exactly what you specified in this post.
Am sharing this post on Twitter and Buzz. (and btw I had read Prats’s and Shilpa’s posts too)
yes I have my drink in front of my son too, he knows whats the right behaviour I just hope that when he grows up seeing us handling alcohol sensibly he will understand that too
thanks for sharing the post
Cheers to your post :-). Hope I can handle it well when my kids come of age.
I hope that too dear I hope that too
Starry sent me a link to your post. So much to say – shall say or post soon.
Pingback: And jumping right in…. « Life and Times in Bangalore
My post – http://lifeandtimesinbangalore.wordpress.com/2011/02/25/and-jumping-right-in/
thanks sangy
I totally agree with you, Monika! The problem is with the hypocrisy and the mentality that we have towards drinking. And I do think that the ‘forbidden fruit’ effect takes place when parents try to totally ban it from the child. They start to crave it because it is not allowed. We enjoy a drink or two, in front of daughter. And I hope that when the time comes, she will have her first drink with us, rather than in some alleyway with shady friends. And more importantly, I want her to get the right message from us, about drinking responsibly and more importantly that it is important to not go with the crowd. I have seen people who drink just to ‘fit in’. I just wish that young people understood that it is not necessary to drink to be cool.
I hope to bring her up in a way such that she will be mature enough to understand when it is the right time, and to act responsibly.
absolutely agree with that smitha thats what I mean
its not that I am going to force drinks down ojas its just that I want to create a environment in the house where when he wants to have one he knows he can come to us for one rather going to dingy sideways
Just wanted to add, I don’t let daughter eat too many sweets. So I was pleasantly surprised when my friend told me that she offered her a chocolate, and daughter refused it saying that she had already had sweets that day, and too many sweets are not allowed for her. I was surprised because I had not expected that out of a 4 yr old. I don’t ban sweets, but have told her from the beginning that too much of sweets is not good, and thankfully she seems to remember and apply it even when I am not around. I hope that she takes that attitude to alcohol too – learn to use it responsibly, if/when she chooses to drink.
wow will u give her a hug from my side
and thats exactly how I want ojas to behave when it comes to drinking
u a know a very similar incident happened when he refused to watch Ben10 on TV in my sil’s house.. went in a different room and when my sil asked he told her mumma says there is too much fighting in it its not good…. I can watch other TV if I want to
I wanna be connected to my child on that level always
Really loved this post. We are trained to ignore the elephant in the room and pretend it to be not there….being friends with your child not only means that you play cricket and ludo with them but also means that you give them an environment where they are as much at ease with you as they are with peers and not be worried of your reprimands and judgments. you have expressed it really well!
thanks sandhya being friends to them is understanding them
I will really need to think this through to have a view on this. I am not sure which way I go. Teenagers, out of control, with too much money is a scary prospect any day to me.
too much money now where did that come from GM?
I see as many poor teenagers having drinking problem as much the rich ones
and teenagers out of control… thats exactly what I am saying right…. teach them the limits so that they really dont go out of control rather living in a world where u think my teenager is a saint and doesnt touch drinks not knowing what he does outside when he goes for sleepovers
Monu,I agree with everything you said,except may be the age-I’d rather wait till she was 18..I dunno…if we are still here..that may be too late-I had my first drink at my BFF’s place at 18.Her dad mixed it for both of us.My parents didn’t drink..but I wanted to try it..and was glad to do it in a place which was like a second home to me..rather than some place seedy!
We have had a drink or two infront of her..and she knows,its Papa’s/Mumma’s medicine..and doesn’t ask for it anymore.I’d rather she tell me n do it,rather than,do it and hide it from me!
just curious why u say u will wait till 18, just because its legal age or something else to it too?
Now thats another thing why medicine? We drink in front of ojas too and what we tell him is that this is big people juice and drink and he cant have it till he becomes big like mumma dada… till than we have a drink he has his orange juice and does cheers… so he gets the whole balance thing right… atleast I am hoping so
I agree with Trish – I would want her to wait at least until she is 18 or, maybe, older. Why? Because research has proven that teenagers’ brains and bodies handle alcohol differently. I have already talked to her about it and we have talked about addiction etc. too. Teenagers are more likely to get addicted just because their bodies process alcohol differently and their brains handle it differently.
I do agree with you that I would want them to experiment in my presence and not with their half-informed friends.
See this link: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122765890
Also, here are two links on teenage drinking:
http://www.learn-about-alcoholism.com/teenage-drinking-facts.html
http://www.learn-about-alcoholism.com/effects-of-teenage-drinking.html
yeah now that is some research I could do with but frankly I am not sure that they really would wait for 18 to try their first one… and may be this is what I shld show to slow down their drinks after their first experiment
my whole point is to teach them to handle them in a good manner rather than get addicted to it
I agree with you – that they might not wait till they turn 18 but then I worked with a guy who waited until he was 21 (the legal age in the US). I think children take us more seriously than we think they do. If you discuss with your child how underage drinking can affect his/her brain and health and explain your reasons for wanting him/her to wait until a particular age before they start drinking, it is highly likely that they WILL listen. There is still a possibility that they won’t and for that, we MUST have a series of discussions with them about underage drinking and responsible drinking practices. I think this is a very complex issue. We need to tackle it on different fronts.
1. We need to talk about addiction and how a teenager’s brain is ill-equipped to handle alcohol or drugs and is more susceptible to addiction, specially so if there are others in the family struggling with addiction.
2. Then we need to talk about how it will be better if they don’t hide these things from us because we will be able to help them make better informed decisions.
3. We also need to talk about the legal age and the reasons why it has been set at that level (goes back to point number 1 about addiction)
4. We need to talk about drinking responsibly which includes not drinking to the point of becoming drunk, not driving under the influence – not even with “just a little buzz”, not mixing alcohol with drugs and whatever else there might be to discuss.
5. We need to lead by example by drinking responsibly.
6. We need to explain to them that abstaining is still the best option until they are old enough but also have to be mentally prepared that they might not wait. In that case we need to have other strategies ready. It is just like handling the birds and bees discussion, I think 🙂
And, most important of all, these discussions need to happen MORE THAN ONCE and BEFORE they start drinking, or even reach the age to start drinking. My daughter is 12 and we have already had these discussions a number of times and I will definitely have some more.
Sorry for hogging your commentspace 😛
yeah i guess coz its the legal age..but like i said,it may be too late..so,this is what i have in mind now..might change as time goes by.
and as for medicine..we started saying it,when she was younger..and the word sort of stuck…but like you said,we also offer her some juice when we have ours.. no hiding glasses or anything.
Monika, great writing!
those arguing about age- it is harmful for children to consume alcohol, physiological changes that continue through puberty and before it, render the liver susceptible to damage. medically speaking 18 or later is recommended.
the key thing is to not demonize or glamorize [pardon the usage] the consumption of alcohol and letting kids know that they are not going to be crucified if they drink.
Demonise or glamourise….good one!
yeah he said it well right?
demonize or glamorize loved what u said in so few words thanks
and welcome here buddy
I partly agree with you Monika. We have to be frank and open with our kids, while discussing and drinking alcohol. But I’d add several other strategies besides staying involved when my kids might take their first sip. They need to know that alcohol can be misused and abused, about the risk it puts them at if they’re intoxicated, health effects when taken in too much, smart drinking practices, high possibility of addiction and so on. I wouldn’t give this as a lecture, and I agree that forbidding it or clamming up about it is simply counterproductive. But I’m not so sure that 15 is an ok age for my kids to be drinking with me. Still, I will admit that they could be tasting their drinks far away from me, and it’s like a devil and deep sea sort of choice to say I’d prefer to have a minor drink with a parent than with friends. But, maybe I’ll swallow these words (with a drink, LOL) in a few years from now!
Additionally, I would also let them know about societal attitudes towards drinking and how to deal with them. it’s a very complicated topic, and it’s good to see everyone’s opinions and experiences here.
Another factor I’d bring in is the crutch that alcohol (or food, drugs, sex) can become for a person with emotional issues. Kids need to know that alcohol is not a healthy way to drown their sorrows or escape from problems. I’d rather they got tough and faced challenges head on.
@starry: I agree to what you say.Its important to teach the kids the good and bad of drinking…and I dont think there is anything wrong with drinking…I dont drink at all..but I have a husband who loves his drink…again for me 15 may not be the right age for my kid to start drinking…but I would definitely have her take the first drink with her dad than with anyone else….I
When I turned 18, since we stayed in Gujarat (Which is a dry state) my dad offered to take me to Daman (which is a nearby) to let me taste my first drink…I didnt find it necessary and hence denied…
Its just a matter of showing the right path to your child…and telling them the right and wrong and showing enough confidence in your upbringing to let them to decide..
But one thing I agree to Prats (I read his viewpoint on his blog as you suggested,Mon) that I would never give my 2.5 year old kid alcohol..despite of what her dad says…of letting her taste it and disliking the taste…I know of hubby’s friends who had given a bit to their kids..but somehow I can never agree to it..no never! Do I sound like a moron if I say that?
abs R’s mom as I had said in the post u dont have to be a parenting guru to agree that we dont give alcohol to infants and toddlers
having said that how many of u have really heard or experienced our people of parents generation given brandy as a cold and cough cure to kids? I know many…. infact docs used to ask them to give it…
And I know many kids who were given it as medicine and they have all turned out fine
PS: I just remembered of this while typing this comment
Absolutely starry its not that I intend to shove ojas with a glass of beer as soon as turns 15… these topics have to be discussed on a continous basis rather than one lecture before u start drinking with him
According to me the regular behaviour of parents towards alcohol also plays a big role in it, we drink in front of ojas and when he asks for it, we just tell him its a jucie which only big people have. when u become big like us and if you want you can have it. From saying this only we have slowly started to tell him that this juice shld be had only little and if I say he starts at 15 he has 12 yrs ahead of him to learn +ve and -ve before taking a decision on it
I dont know age as Ritu says may be diff for diff parents and probably its their choice
And the last point u made its a very very valid point I actually wanted to touch upon this in the post but skipped it…
The one thing I want to instill in ojas is not to fall to any prey to deal with emotional issues.. its a very important lesson for life… thanks for raising it
Thought provoking post. Have blogged about it.
heading to ur post sandhya
Totally agree that when you absolutely say NO to something, teenagers would want precisely that. Most kids would have experimented with alcohol by the time they are 18, the more important thing for parents to do is to not declare it taboo but talk about effects of alcohol when it is more than social drinking. Not talking about the issue and scolding them and reprimanding them is not going to help.
y do u blog wen u r not brave enough to publish comments of ppl who disagree th u..this is hipocrisy tht u were talking abt hating in the Indian culture..
Sunita we bloggers are human beings who have life beyond their blogs too… I was traveling and hence didnt approve ANY comments till now…. patience is a virtue which u could do with I guess
PS: I had also mentioned in a post that I am traveling FYI
Phew! I read all the links you posted, the comments there, your post and the comments here. Now I really need a drink and let me go get my Carrot juice 😆
Ok let me come out with my opinion. I grew up in a Muslim family who followed all the rules set up by the Prophet to the T, so obviously Alcohol was synonyms with Satan 🙄 I think I had rebelled against almost everything which I believed was BS, but Alcohol was not one among them. I remember having my first sip of alcohol when I was 17 and I didn’t like the taste and never ever thought of tasting it again. I don’t drink but that doesn’t mean I look down upon people who drink. But I do have a big big problem with people who like to blame the Alcohol for their bad behaviour. I believe one should drink every peg knowing that the thing does take over your brain at one peg or the tenth and so you should definitely stop at one peg before you loose control. It’s sad and embarrassing when a common friend who was always respectful behaves in a lusty manner after a few pegs 😥 and the worst is when he/she can’t remember what had happened and behaves normally the next morning. I swear it’s so hard for the one who didn’t drink the previous night, to stop themselves from knocking down the now sober person 😡
I wouldn’t agree to letting a child of 15 years to try alcohol even in the presence of the parents for the simple reason that it’s an age when you are blooming physically and mentally and something intoxicating like Alcohol can severely damage the way you think and shape up your priorities in life. I agree when you say that some parents can teach their kids to control and drink responsibly but what if the child takes to loving the taste of the alcohol and then uses it as a healer for every set back he faces in his/her life?
Haa you compared Alcohol to Brownies? 😥 Yes, excessive guzzling and gobbling up of both are harmful to health, but I am yet to hear an incident where abuse of Brownie led to complete shut down of the upper floor of one’s head and resulted in a crime or clumsy behaviour 🙄
I agree with every single word she has said 🙂 Bravo yakshi im sooo proud of ya 🙂
ermm…btw Hi im bratula 🙂 …. Count bratula 🙂
Me no likey alcohol and i wont recommend it to anyone even if he/she is a mortal or immortal 🙂 Drink blood instead! 👿
Try brownies from Amsterdam 🙂
Hey, where did my comment go? I know I posted it 2 days ago. Did you get it Monika?
Never mind – found it 🙂
🙂
Agree Monu….its better with the parents, than in the dark corner of the street.
And also, if we make the initial step and teach them the right way of doing things, we can be rest assured that they’ll be honest with us in admitting their drinking with frnds on other days….if we think its a crime, then everything will be happening behind our back and we’ll never know of what they are doing.
Its everywhere….even if they dont like it, they might try it due to peer pressure…let it be with us first….
When my daughters became teenagers, we gave them champagne during our new year party !!! We are open and we like them to be honest about their habits.
Brilliant post. 🙂 🙂
A link about parents drinking with their kids, a study that has proved those kids are more likely to become problem drinkers http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/29/does-drinking-with-parents-help-teens-drink-more-responsibly-not-really/#ixzz1L2Gd0eBL