I have finally got a job yippe……… Joining on 16th of this month. The role is good the salary is good but I am just wondering why I am not so elated as I should be, may be its the tension that what will happen to Ojas when I start stepping out as he is used to me and also as I mentioned in my previous post her nanny is leaving and if I am not able to find a nanny till then I will have to leave him in a daycare, may be its the guilt of that… may be its seperation anxiety.

It will be a little more than an year from the last time I went to work and now. I was just sitting and thinking back abt the last year and its been so strange, got everything that I wanted but yet never was completely happy, there was always something disturbing and tension giving with good news… just when the news that I am carrying setteled in and we started celebrating and then came in the first of bleeding with 1 month of anxiety filled bed rest, just when that was getting over came another bleeding bout and this time really a lot to the extent that the duty doc thought that we had lost the little one and that took the tensions to a different level, rest of the pregancy was always tension filled and wit bedrest. Till I had delivered Ojas we were not sure what would happen… Once we got Ojas we were delighted for sometime and then came the tension of job search and not getting one… I went thru severe post partum depression, arguments with my hubby to the extent that we thought of going to see a marriage counsler, things improved there fortunately and I got a job too but now this tension of Ojas nanny…and partly having to deal with alone as my hubby is really busy with work and travelling 3 days a week…. was wondering why is it always a mother’s resposibilty to figure out all these things… I am not saying thatmy hubby doesnt help, he is touchwood very helping when it comes to handling Ojas but still why does it have to be females when it comes to sacrificing something for the baby… like in this situation a working mom would have probably put some days leave then why cant my hubby do that for that matter any guy do it???

I dont know what I have written in this post I dont even know that whether its coming together as a thread but I needed to bring this out….I am really desperate for sometime in my life when I can just celebrate without any ifs and buts, but then I guess this is life…