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I am writing this post in a totally frustrated and confused state of mind, I am not able to decide what should be my course of action now and hence i decided to post it here and take opinion.

My mil’s sister had passed away 2 months back of cancer leaving behind two children – the elder daughter who has just started working as an HR executive in a firm and the younger son who is studying in IIT chennai. Before even the 10th day ceremony of aunt was over talks of getting the girl married had already started and just after the ceremony was over the hunt begin. Though I have my own reservations about anyone getting into an intense relationship as marriage just after a huge trauma but I just choose not dwell into it a lot after all if all of them are happy then why should I interfere too much. I just had a chat with the cousin and she seemed to be quite fine with the idea of marriage at this stage so I was happy too…

Things progressed somewhat when an alliance came and both our cousin and the guy seem to like each other, we somehow made sure both of them had met multiple times to make sure that they do get t know each other somewhat and finally the series of meetings resulted in a yes from both the guy and the girl.

And now started the whole process of when the marriage should be and how should it be etc, suddenly my husband’s uncle said that he is going to give 20lacs of cash to her in marriage though I was stunned and taken back I still didnt say anything since everyone else there seem to be just fine with the idea. My mind was troubling me but I tried to relax thinking that he wants to give some gifts to his daughter and I should not interfere with the same but now things have gone a little too far. Yesterday the guy’s family came home to finalize all the things and uncle told them that I am planning to give 20lacs and some gold (that was also not less trust me) in the wedding and as a civilized and educated family what I expected them to say was no please we dont want anything . These are things of the old times and we have to change etc but to my surprise what they did was they said that the gold seems to be less and they wanted more gold. i really dont know how to react now.

Is it safe to send our girl to a family who asks for dowry?
What was that guy doing there sitting idle, couldnt he have stood up and said that no I dont like all this? Isnt he a modern day educated guy?
Why didnt the girl stand up and say that no its my marriage and I dont want any dowry to exchange hands?
If we as the young generation will not stand against these things who will?

Now my problem is that I dont know what to do. The inside of me wanting to burst and shout that no this is wrong, please stop it. I have always claimed to myself that I am a feminist who wants to support and change the society to whatever extend I can. I have gone to the government schools of Bangalore and lectured the parents and children for the merits of education and to stand against dowry and now when its happening right under my nose in my own family how can I just sit idle and watch. Would I be able to say that I am anti dowry after that. But at the same time if i say anything I am not sure it will be taken in the right spirit as none of them seems to have any objections with this. Today morning only I talked to the girl and she seemed to be in the happiest mood I have seen her after her mom passed away and I just dont want to hurt her too. In the end I want her to be happy.

I did had a chat with my husband on this yesterday night and he seemed to be equally tensed and shared my views and concerns too. So should we just go ahead and voice our opinions or should we just watch and let the things happen on their own, One thing is sure both me and my husband wont be in peace with all this happening but at the same time dont want to spoil the relation and someone’s happiness.

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